The letter I wish I could have sent to my loved ones when I first came out as transgender.

Dear ally,

Maybe this is the first time you’ve been called that. Maybe it isn’t. But wherever you are in your journey of allyship, you’re on it. I know that because you wouldn’t have opened this blog post if you didn’t care.

So first, let me just say: Welcome. I’m so glad you’re here, and I’m so glad you’re choosing to lead with love.

I’ll introduce myself in the next paragraph, but if you already know who I am, feel free to skip ahead to the list.

Who I Am

My name is Asher, and I’m a lot of different things to a lot of different people. I’m a father. A brother. A fiancé to the most amazing woman to ever walk this earth (that’s a fact, not an opinion). A veteran. A former classroom teacher. The list goes on—but one important part of me is that I’m transgender.

I was assigned female at birth but always felt like something was…off. I knew I was different, even as a kid. But due to my own lack of understanding, a family I didn’t think would accept me, and an abusive marriage, I stayed in the closet until I was 25.

That was over five years ago now.

Since then, I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and—most important of all—self-love. That love makes me the best version of myself, and the best loved one I can be to everyone who matters to me. Especially my kids.

So here it is: 5 things I wish every loved one had known when I came out.

1. Use our pronouns—every single time.

Unless your loved one has explicitly asked you not to use their correct pronouns in front of a certain person or group, use them. Period.

And I know some folks will have questions:

“What about in front of young kids who might not understand?”
Yes. Use them.
“What if my loved one doesn’t ‘pass’ yet?”
Yes. Still use them.

Passing is not a requirement for identity to be valid. Your loved one deserves to be loved and recognized for who they are now—not who they might look like in five years.

Using the correct pronouns might seem small to you, but I promise: it means more to us than you can imagine.

2. Don’t ask us to tone it down.

I don’t care how “cringey” something might look to you—please give us space to explore.

Many of us didn’t get to go through the usual awkward teenage stages as our actual selves. So sometimes, we go through them later. It’s part of finding out who we are.

When I first came out, I rocked a high-and-tight military haircut that honestly didn’t suit my head or my vibe—but I loved it. It affirmed me. I had wanted that haircut so badly when I was serving, but back then, as a female-presenting airman, I wasn’t allowed. (At the time, the U.S. Air Force required at least one inch of hair for women—though that’s since changed.)

That buzzcut wasn’t about style. It was about healing.

3. Include us in your world, not just ours.

Yes, we find safe spaces in LGBTQ+ community. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to feel included in your life, too.

When my dad invited me deep sea fishing—after he’d done the work to confront his transphobia—it meant everything. Not because it was a “Pride” moment, but because it was a father-and-son one.

He met me where I was. And I met him where he was.

That’s what inclusion looks like.

4. Check in. Don’t wait for the breakdown.

Even when things seem fine, just asking means the world.

“Hey, how are you really doing?”
“I know things can be heavy—if you ever want to talk, I’m here.”

Sometimes the answer is “I’m good.”
Sometimes it’s not.
But the asking? That’s what makes us feel seen.

Coming out can cost trans folks everything—jobs, safety, family, connection. Even if your loved one looks like they’re thriving, they might be carrying more than you realize.

5. Celebrate the joy, not just the struggle.

Yes, being trans can come with hardship. But there is so much beauty here, too.

There are vibrant stories, loving communities, ancient histories, hilarious memes, deeply felt moments, and quiet revolutions happening in trans lives every single day.

Celebrate that, too.

Thanks for reading. I hope something in here helps you show up even more fully for the people you love.

With love,
Ash

P.S. Should I write a post about the queer historical figures I geek out over? I’m kind of a nerd for that stuff, but I don’t know if anyone else is interested. Let me know!